Preparing the children
You probably feel that you need looking after yourself, and that could result in feelings of guilt, making it harder for you to be the good parent that you would like to be.
Try to take some comfort from the fact that this is only temporary. Things will change, even though it may take time. A year from now, life should be different – very probably better – but you need to get through a bad patch.
You may stop living together, but you will still be the children’s parents. They are not going to stop being your children when they reach 19; they will still need you there for weddings, births, illnesses and crises. Do you both really want to be in a state of armed truce every time you meet? Do you want your children to feel that they can never invite both of you to the same occasion? Do you want to continue to hate each other for the rest of your lives? Somehow you need to find a way of coping with each other in the future.
“However much your relationship with your spouse or partner has changed, remember that you are both going to go on being parents for the rest of your lives”.
If one parent, usually the mother as main carer, is hostile or uncooperative, consult the experts, Hylton-Potts.
TELLING THE CHILDREN
If possible you and your spouse/partner should tell the children about your separation or divorce together, and you should ensure that the children can ask questions and talk, an be hugged and reassured.
Try not to tell them just before they go to bed, otherwise they may feel abandoned and lie in bed worrying about what will happen.
- Think about what you are going to say. If the two of you can tell the children together, it helps to have worked out what you are going to say beforehand, and to be in a position to tell them about your plans for the future.
- Tell them what the contact arrangements are. If they are old enough, you can discuss these with them too. It is important however that they do not feel that they are being asked to take the responsibility for the decisions.
“Often older children have fairly complicated social lives of their own, so parents need to respect the commitments they already have and factor them in when making plans for the future”.
HOW THE CHILDREN MAY FEEL
Even if your relationship with your spouse/partner has reached the point where you feel that you can no longer carry on living together, and the strains have become all too clear to you, you may well find that the prospect of a separation comes as a shock to the children, and they are likely to react with disbelief, denial and a frantic attempt to make it not happen.
Most children would rather keep their parents together at all costs, even when they know that they are unhappy. Moreover, it is quite common for children to blame themselves for what has happened – they conclude that their father or mother has left because they have been naughty.
When you break the news to them it is important to stress that it is an adult decision and that though you do not feel that you can go on being married you still love them very much and are going to go on being their parents. Tempting as it is, especially if you feel that the problem lies with your spouse/partner, try to keep blame out of it as far as the children are concerned.
Consult the experts. For more information or a free legal opinion telephone 020-7381-8111 (24 hour service) or email law@rhplaw.co.uk.
